Crap, really?

The last thing I was expecting was CPT code 606.0- absolute infertility- when I went to look up the medical codes on my husbands doctor bill.

We knew that we could work with low sperm counts, somehow.  But, how do you work with none?

I was devastated by the news that I couldn't have Nathan's child.  I wanted to know that I gave birth to HIS child. I wanted part of him inside me, growing.  There is something so intimate about coming together, creating a new life.  Something I really won't necessarily get to experience the way I always dreamed of. I cried myself to sleep the night I found out just knowing it wouldn't be his if we ever got pregnant.

I had to stop drinking because I wasn't responsible in my actions a couple times.  I failed a test and got a D in a class last term.  I have to retake the class now.  I had no idea it would effect me so much.  I had no idea that i would be mourning the loss of my dream.  Because that is what it feels like, I'm mourning.

Our situation is nothing new.  I just met someone today who used a cryobank for their sperm, who went through the same thing as we are going through.  I feel so much better knowing that she felt the same thing I do.  Not even gay couples can know this feeling because its an inevitable situation to get to for them, having to use donor sperm, a surrogate, or adoption.

I honestly don't know how I feel about this whole situation right now.  That is why I've started this blog.  I'm hoping that by getting my feelings out there, our journey might help some one. 

So, join me and see how this all turns out.